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my response. i'm glad some one else feels like me... and this is what i wrote to her.  
10:53pm 24/04/2008

hey. I totally feel your pain. I was a size 9 in senior year of highschool... and i felt HUGE. i dieted down to size seven. lost like 40 lbs in two months. 180lb s -140 lbs. and my friggen mom was in competition with me. Instead of just accepting the fact that i had weight inssues she had to  throw some gasoline into the fire. I ended up Overdosing on pain meds and ended up in the hospital at our medical center. i lied and siad i wasn't trying to kill myself, and that it was a mistake... they didn't admit me... but i sure as hell needed to be admitted.
I tried again in 2005... but i lied again. told them i wasn't trying to kill myself.
My weight has made me so unhappy ever since i was in middle school and my mother compared me to my beanstalk of a best friend. "oh why can't you be skinny like becky" not exactly the best and most nuturing thing you could have said to you teenage daughter ... but hey mom thanks for fucking me up!

I am presently a size 24. Fat girl style all the way. and i dont have the patience to do weight watchers or jenny craig. with me its an all or nothing kind of deal... like i eat or i dont eat. and i think NOT eating works better for me... b./c then the temptation is not there to begin with. and i can go long without eating than eating smaller amounts throughout the day.
But right now i'm still nursing my 7 month old daughter... and once i stop nursing her... i'm sooo going on a crash diet. And i know that fear of 300+ lbs. I am almost there 284 when i was at the doctors yesterday.HOLY FUCK... right? well i think i've got more muscle than fat, but i can see the fat piling up. like on my thigsh where they touch. i've never had a roll there nad now i do. and on my upper arms near my armpit.... hello roll!
I'm pretty miserable. I've gained 20 lbs in 6 months ( i started a new, mood stabilizer and a new antidepressant.... so much for those working haha) its makes me moire miserable by gaining weight... is there ever going to be a place where i'lll be happy. i doubt that.

i feel your pain.  I know whats it like to look back and say... "if i woul dhave known then that i should have just been happy with my size.... i would have never binge purged to be the size i am now" i think i say that every day of my life.
then i snap and want to kill myself. ya know. like its just notworth going on.

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12:31pm 24/04/2008

 I look from the sideslines as well. most of the people that i judge are not people i know, that i will never know.
I have no intrest in being friends with them. its just my way of coping. i HATE going out of my house. If i didn't judge them, then i think i would have back to back panic attacks. i think it keeps my mind busy while i'm out and about.
sometimes i will have a quick short conversation with someone (cashier at a store) and end up walking away thinking that person was a total bitch or asshole..... i dont do it all the time but i guess i would have to say i do it at least 75% of the time. it annoys me sometimes, but thats usually only when i do it so much that i annoy whoever i am around at the moment.

I know i have more problems than just judgeing people. Like thats the surface problem.... and  my problem is i dont let my counsler dig in any deeper... she thinks i have postpartum depression.... yeah Ok. sure. She is new.... and she has seen my file about my life, but i haven't come straight out and told her about my dad and my family life and my mom moving away and everything else that goes along with it. but on that same note i dont want to open up to her. I feel so safe opening up on the computer b/c i am only a name . not a person. and if i feel like i've told to much... delete this name and start over. try it again to make it right. i wish life was like that. b/c who i am today i hate.... and i would do thing sooo different so that i wouldn't be this way. anything is better than who i am now.

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jumping off a bridge  
12:44am 24/04/2008

... however. i dont think i'd jump off a bridge. something simple. quick. painless.
in my sleep. drug overdose. alcohol intoxification mixed with some controlled substances that your not suppose to take with liquor.

I'm feeling a little morbid and suicidal tonihgt. I have two kids. they kinda keep me going. but since my dad killed himself in 2005..... i've had no reason to live and feel like i'm just passing time.

i was thinking tonight....i'd love to die, and that i do not fear death. and i hope that death is somehwat like sleeping. you dont know much while you are sleeping right? you dream. well if your lucky you dream. i dont . i have nightmares from my meds.

I used to cut to make things stop. I try to write. it doesn't help. nothing helps .... and bridge jumping at the moment sounds appealing.
but I know if i just pop my xanax go to sleep and i can plaster my fake ass smile on my face for yet another horrifically boring day.

my life has no point. i feel hopelesss and miserable.

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fuck my family  
12:54am 24/03/2008
i hate my family. and i hate holidays
no one - not a single family member-  called to say hello today.
I can't stand that i am not wanted by my family.

my father should have never died.
my mother should have never moved
 my life should have never turned upside down
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well i haven't posted in a while  
09:04am 27/07/2007
I've got a quick second on here. Gregg woke up so i gotta go get him.
Lets see. I'm 32 weeks pregnant now! YEAH! ALMOST DONE! I haven't really kept up with my livejournal, as i was too busy doing things with my son and my "friends" I'll have to explain that one later.
WE found out about 3/4 weeks ago that we are having a little girl! I'm very excited, We are naming her Arissa Kyleigh! I love her already!
My gf brooke who i met in lamaze class called yesterday to say that she just found out she is pregnant toO!
Um, I've got more to update, I'll post when gregg takes a nap around 1. I plan on using this thing alot more now. I'm taking a break from the myspace thing.
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01:23am 31/05/2007
Fill this out.....
1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favourite Movie:
5. Favourite Song or Album:
6. Favourite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favourite memory of us?
14. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favourite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?
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12:22pm 16/01/2007
we are pregnant! and i haven't used this since gregg was born!
we are due in september this is going to be so exciting!
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New Com  
08:27pm 17/03/2006
lil_sunshines New community for Active parents who want to post Baby pictures!
Join Today!
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(no subject)  
01:09am 01/12/2005


                    Due to the Simple Fact

                    that there are people on LiveJournal

                    that have ENTIRELY too much time on their hands

                    this journal is FRIENDS ONLY!

If you'd like to Add me to your friends list, Leave me a reason and I'll think about it. I only discriminate against the following:

  • Drama Whores.
  • People who are friends with Drama Whores.
  • People i don't like, and yes there are a bunch of you.
  • Self centered, low life OMG LJ is my ONLY life kinda people also.

If you feel that you DO NOT fall under one of these categories, leave me  a comment!

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April 2008  

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